Let’s get down to business, literally. I want to talk about sex. Sex in addiction in contrast to sex in recovery. Sex in early recovery compared to sex in long-term recovery. There is a difference in every aspect. Yet, it all boils down to one simple thing, SOBER SEX!
Can you recall the last time you have had passionate, emotional, intimate, 100% sober sex? Sex without being on any type of mind-altering chemicals from smoking a joint to smoking crack, shooting dope or getting smashed on liquor, and everything in between. I’m not talking about having sex because you’re dope sick or needing money for drugs. You might be sober then but, not by choice. Plus, if that is the case, you are not having intercourse to sexually pleasure yourself. You are having sex as a bargaining tool or as an exchange for goods.
I mean sex. The good, mind blowing, you are so attracted to your partner, you could nut from just looking at them. Their touch sends shivers up and down your spine, in a good way. There is no way to describe the connection between you and your partner besides surreal. You remember every touch, caress, tingle, spark, and moment of intense relief. It’s pure ecstasy. That my dear is the sex that we long for and that can happen when you are sober. Quite often, actually.
So, we will discuss how to obtain that mind-blowing sexual intercourse we all desire. First, let’s talk about the other sexual experiences that we have had. Meaning sex in active addiction, sex in early recovery, and all of that stuff we don’t like to think about.
Sex In Active Addiction
As much as it hurts to say, the majority of sex in addiction is a means to an end. That includes sex with your significant other. So basically all sex was a means to an end. Every time we had sex, there was an ulterior motive. It wasn’t because you wanted to feel good or it was pleasurable. As addicts, we seek out those who are weak or naive and take full and total advantage of them.
As a woman, we use our hmmm.. woman powers to our advantage. There are multiple ways that we as girls can get what we want but, we do. We get really good at it, better than we should. Others are sexually attracted to us. A long time ago, in my early addiction, I was told that a pretty girl should never be broke, or in need of anything. I took that to heart and ran with it.
By using sex as a weapon in our addiction, we get what we want:
- Bills being paid
- Credit Cards
The list can go on and on but, it still all comes down to one thing which is money and more money. I used to be proud of everything I had and how I got it. Yet, when I would sit and think about it all, I would get sick to my stomach, cry for hours on end, have panic attacks. Do more drugs and the horrid feelings would be forgotten for the time being. It was a vicious cycle that I am glad is over.
Sex With Partner In Addiction
Now sex with your partner is the same and different. The same in the fact that at times we feel like we owe our partner for multiple reasons.
- Our partner bought us drugs
- Our partner gave us money
- Feel guilty for what you did to get the drugs for both of you.
- Your s/0 sells drugs so you feel obligated.
Then it’s different because well, it is. I mean even as addicts, you and your partner still have feelings and a bond that you don’t share with other addicts. Yet, you are “always” on drugs when you have sex. I mean come on, you and your partner can have sex for hours like some type of superheroes. The drugs have nothing to do with that. Right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Sex In Early Recovery
Now, here is where sex starts to get different.
Have you ever been to an inpatient rehab? If you said yes, then you know that relationships are not allowed what so ever. Besides the fact that you are to be focusing on getting and staying clean and not another person. This rule is put into effect for good reason. A person who is new to sobriety is emotional as hell, their feelings are all over the place. As well as their hormones. They don’t know which way is up and which way is down. Focus on yourself, NOT some boy pretending to be a man! Who has a girlfriend back home and a newborn child? Catch my drift?
Whether or not you are in rehab, here’s a fact about someone who is new to being clean and serene. You are horny as hell. As I just said, emotional, hormones, craziness, and more. Your brain is trying to catch up and adjust to what is going on. Your body is far ahead of that. If someone rubs your arm, you might get horny. I’m not even joking.
Opiate addicts, you know this. I know when I was in active addiction and dope sick, we would have sex in hopes of having an orgasm to wear us out and help us get to sleep since it’s almost impossible to sleep for most. Newly clean or sick, you get off extremely easy. So when you are newly sober, sober sex is intense. Yet, you need to focus on yourself. Being emotional makes you extremely vulnerable. So if you think of starting a new relationship and then that relationship abruptly comes to an end. Then, your potential for relapsing becomes significantly high. If you really want to bust a nut that bad, do it yourself. Seriously. I’m not saying this to get laughs. Well, it’s a little funny but, do what ya gotta do.
Sex In Long Term Recovery
This is the good stuff. The sex that you want in your life and the sober sex you need in your relationship. When you have been in recovery for at least one year (that is NA’s recommendation). Of course, as a person, you make your own choice.
Point being, once you have some substantial amount of clean time under your belt, this is the sex you want to be having. Great, curl your toes, SOBER SEX! Once you are in recovery long enough, you forget about using drugs. There is no aspect of your life that you think would be better if you were high including sex. Being able to remember and think about every little satisfying moment of your sex life is awesome.
Although, it does take a moment to get to the point in your life where sober sex is amazing! Truthfully, it takes time because it’s something we are not used to. As recovering addicts, we must learn to live and cope with our feelings and emotions without the use of drugs. This includes the emotions and intimacy needed to have mind-blowing sex.
Sober Sex Versus Sex While Impaired
That is the best way I knew how to put it “sober sex versus sex while impaired”. Even while I was JUNKIEFIED, as I like to say. I thought I knew myself and knew my body. Well, I did and I wasn’t afraid to tell you. On drugs, the majority of us have no filter. Like how people say when you are drunk, you say what you mean. Well, on drugs in the bedroom with my man, I would be loud, screaming, a freak, not afraid to try anything. I would tell him exactly what to do and exactly what I liked.
Then, we got clean and it wasn’t the same. I’m not saying the sex wasn’t good anymore. It was different, I didn’t like the same things. Plus, now I was embarrassed to voice my commands or to be freaky or kinky. I was shy and timid. Truthfully to me, it was frickin’ weird as hell at first. It was like I was a shy girl having sex for the first time ever, I froze. That’s why I said long-term recovery is when you have that great sex because it can take a while to get in touch with your emotions and your body again. To know what turns you on and what doesn’t. Yet, the more you practice, the quicker you’ll find out and the sooner you can absolutely LOVE your sex life.
SOBER SEX TIPS
Here’s some tips to help you get down to business as soon as possible.
- Sober sex is new at first. It’s different. Remember, that now in recovery – you are different – your body is different. A better different!
- It will feel brand new. It can lead to other emotions that you should be ready to handle.
- Don’t feel awkward or embarrassed, you got this!
- Don’t settle or feel guilty. Only have sex with who you want, when you want.
- Not every sexual experience will be an experience that keeps your heart pounding for hours.
- Don’t do anything, I repeat ANYTHING that you don’t want to. If you are not comfortable with it, don’t do it. Point blank.
- Don’t be afraid to say no.
- Yet, don’t be afraid to try new things. You might be surprised.
- Be verbal. Along with saying no, say yes, do this, touch that, etc.
- Have sex with yourself. You know what you like best. If your are single and don’t want a friend with benefits, do it your damn self. There’s no shame.
- Most importantly, whether it’s your significant other or someone new. Be safe. You don’t want a disease when you finally got a good life in recovery. Tell him to wrap it up.
Sober sex is better than sex on drugs. It is the best sex you will ever have. With someone or with yourself. There are no chemicals corrupting your mind, your body, or any part of you. Every thought, feeling, pleasurable moment, is real. Nothing can beat that.